Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sticks and Stones..

How long does it take you before you tell somebody a comment hurts you? That it's not just something they can joke about. Every time you comment about my weight, even in a joking manner, it drives me towards food.

I made it clear in my last blog that I was not even going to attempt until New Years, and I told my mom (joking) that I needed high cal food and caffeine, and I got jumped. "You're ruining your body every time you do that, I don't care anymore I don't want to hear about your weight, do what you want, if you end up 500 pounds it's your fault."

Those words cut deeper than almost anything anybody has ever said. He read the New Years blog, he knows I am having major caffeine withdrawals, and the fact that since I moved here he has mentioned how I can lose weight (before I told him I wanted to), it bugs me. If I don't lose weight am I going to lose him? I want to do it for me, not him. Yes, our life, our marriage, our kids, are all things that make me want to lose weight, but overall it's for me. I made it clear I want to start on New Years, he needs to stay off my back until then.

He has habits that hurt me, a lot, so why can he try to dictate my food? My life? I can't dictate his. As much as he means to me sometimes it feels like if I don't let him be a little controlling I will lose him, so I normally don't speak up. It's easier not too. Maybe that should be a goal for the new year? To make sure we're both happy, not just one, which is how it normally goes. Either I'm doing everything to make him happy, or he's doing everything to make me happy. Shouldn't we be working together to make each other happy?

Eh, this probably sounds whiny, just wanted to..vent.

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