Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The past to the present?

So, a few months ago I posted a blog about how I hold grudges, normally for no reasons. Well, I also found out I am very hypocritical, and that is something I plan on working on very much. My fiance means the absolute world to me, I don't remember ever being this happy, and I have never been with someone who has treated me this good, but I am still very jealous. We are around each other 24/7 (yes a bit unhealthy), but I still can't trust him? He gives me absolutely no reason not to trust him, he never tries to hide anything, yet past relationships, including his, make it hard for me.

Tonight, I went through his files on his computer, the whole time I was doing it I expected to find something. I have been with him everyday for the past 2 months, when would he even have time for an "affair"? I told him what I did, and we discussed it, but it bothers me that I can't just let it go. I know he loves me, I love him, but it doesn't change anything in my mind.

I have got to quit letting the past "control" me, and my feelings today. I want him to trust me, but I can't give him the trust he deserves. He is my life, my world, yet I am hypocritical. If he went through my files, I would be livid. So my goal right now is to force myself to move on. I love him, so much, so let's hope I can show him how I feel, and quit letting Matt, Kevin, Jose, and Julio control my feelings. (Explaining those names will come in another blog.)

Hopefully I learn to move on fast, because I refuse to lose him over my insecurities that didn't even derive from him.

1 comment:

  1. Well at least you admitted it to him. I think that is the first step. Did you let him know it was your insecurities from the past and not because he has given you a reason not to trust him? I hope so. Hang in there doll - if he loves you like you love him then this will blow over.