Random. 12/9/09

So, I actually let William read through this blog. Nobody whom I know in real life has ever had the link to this, except when I have given people direct links to a post. It made me feel really stupid, that he was reading everything I had ever really thought, because here is one place I can actually be honest. But, this is who I am, he can either take it or leave it.

We have been discussing a lot about how I portray the negative to people, instead of stating the positive too. I do that a lot, don't I? But, I will never ever agree that he is right ;).

Anywho, on a different note. I may be going home on Monday for Christmas. I hate feeling torn, I want nothing more than to spend Christmas with William, but mom is saying he can't come home with me. So it's choose between my grandma and William, which may just be the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I can barely stand to spend hours away from him, let alone weeks, and Christmas!? Bullshit in my eyes. My mom doesn't like him because he "stole" me, but that's not how I look at it at all. He rescued me is the only way to legitimately put it.

On the note of what this blog was originally about, I should be losing weight, but definitely not the right way. I need to start willingly exercise, need to start eating healthy, need to start doing so much more. I eat maybe once a day, and walk when we have to go somewhere. I need to walk up to cubs and get groceries, but we all know how that went last time I tried. I hate being afraid of the town I'm in, I hate being afraid of the bus, I know I need to get over it, need to grow up, but it's not exactly easy.

Well, I am going to go either play Sims or read, at least I'm blogging all the time, as promised. Also reading other peoples, but not commenting as often.

The past to the present?

So, a few months ago I posted a blog about how I hold grudges, normally for no reasons. Well, I also found out I am very hypocritical, and that is something I plan on working on very much. My fiance means the absolute world to me, I don't remember ever being this happy, and I have never been with someone who has treated me this good, but I am still very jealous. We are around each other 24/7 (yes a bit unhealthy), but I still can't trust him? He gives me absolutely no reason not to trust him, he never tries to hide anything, yet past relationships, including his, make it hard for me.

Tonight, I went through his files on his computer, the whole time I was doing it I expected to find something. I have been with him everyday for the past 2 months, when would he even have time for an "affair"? I told him what I did, and we discussed it, but it bothers me that I can't just let it go. I know he loves me, I love him, but it doesn't change anything in my mind.

I have got to quit letting the past "control" me, and my feelings today. I want him to trust me, but I can't give him the trust he deserves. He is my life, my world, yet I am hypocritical. If he went through my files, I would be livid. So my goal right now is to force myself to move on. I love him, so much, so let's hope I can show him how I feel, and quit letting Matt, Kevin, Jose, and Julio control my feelings. (Explaining those names will come in another blog.)

Hopefully I learn to move on fast, because I refuse to lose him over my insecurities that didn't even derive from him.

Mental Breakdown

Yes, I skipped a few days, and not because I've been busy, simply because I've had nothing to blog about! Well last night, something came up for me to blog about. As you all know, from a recent post, I recently moved in with my fiance. Well I didn't mention that this move brought me from a town with a population of less than a 1,000 to a city with a population of over 100,000. As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm still a bit terrified of the town.

So last night, I decided to be the brave little girl I am, and tell William (the fiance obviously) that I would walk down to Cub Foods without him. It's about 1/2 mile down the road, and I needed the exercise, so I didn't have a problem with it (We don't have a car yet, so it's all either taxi, bus, or walking, and we are tight for money so taxi is out of the question). I promised to talk to my mom the whole way there, and that she would get ahold of him online if something happened, as my  phone is the only one on right now.

So, I am about halfway there, it's cold, a wonderful 27 degree weather, with snow coming down, but I'm still doing okay. All of a sudden my phone beeps at me. I look down and see that it's dying. I all of a sudden completely go into panic mode. I was on the verge of tears, and my mom was freaking out because she didn't know what to do, just knew I was terrified.

So my best friend gets online to get ahold of William, and instead of saying "She's at Cubs now, she's okay, but she wants you to come get her so she doesn't have to walk back alone" he decides to approach it the other way. "She's scared, crying, get your ass down there." type thing. So William throws on a jacket and runs the half mile. He made it there in less than 15 mins, which I may add is not exactly healthy in that cold of weather.

I have a feeling he will make fun of my breakdown for quite some time, but hey, he must love me to do that for me :)!

I know, this story is kinda boring, and lovey-dovey, but it's the only eventful thing that's happened lately.

Honest Scrap

Karen over at Make Just A Ripple gave me the Honest Scrap Award, Now I am to give it to 7 others, and give you 10 completely honest bits of information about myself! You will be sorry you asked!

My Seven:

Karen: I love reading her blog, and love following her success!

Jo: I have loved reading her story, her progress, and about her life.

Crystal: Because she absolutely rocks!

Katie J : This woman owns my heart. 

Laura:I love reading her blog, she is a pretty amazing person.

Alison : Met this one on twitter, and she is pretty KA.

Lyn :So inspirational, almost every post makes me tear up. She's came so far, and I am so proud of her.

Okay, so onto the 10:

1. I am slowly learning how to deal with my regrets, and my past. My fiance has been a huge help, and I don't thank him near enough.

2. I have extreme OCD tendencies, and I'm not sure I will ever over come them, nor do I want to.

3. I've never broken a bone. I've had some pretty bad injuries, but no broken bones.

4. I try to read people, and normally read to deep. This has caused me to fuck up a lot of relationships, and they are normally not salvageable. I did this with my fiance multiple times, but as he has the same problem, he overlooked it.

5. I am not a very religious person, but I want to put my kids in church. I am very confused as to how I want to do it.

6. I am so ready to have kids, and the main thing stopping me is financial stability.

7. I normally let myself get hurt to avoid hurting other people. I never put myself first, which is one reason I'm unhappy with my life.

8. I never ask the questions I want too, and instead bottle them up. This makes me very curious, all the time, and I always have something on my mind.

9. I am on facebook and twitter entirely too much, though most of my friends are more addicted than I am.

10. I love to read, but lately have stopped because for some reason I don't think it's important enough. 

Now ... aren't you sorry you asked?

Hola!

Guess who's back!

Going to try to post at least once a day again, now that things have settled down.

Now to explain why I went MIA.

I moved, in with my fiance, out of nowhere. Wasn't expected, wasn't planned, was up here visiting him, and didn't want to leave. Told my mom to leave me here. It has caused a lot of stress on everyone, and job hunting is hellacious. The support of my fellow bloggers is exactly what I need right now, and when I noticed I was still getting comments, despite not posting in over a month, I realized I had to come back!

Also, Karen over at make just a ripple left me an award, will post that tomorrow !

MIA

I probably won't post often for awhile, will explain later. If you have me on FB you saw the wonderful blowout fight between my aunt and friends, haha.

Anyway, e-mail if you need anything (:

All nighters...ew

So, I am doing an all nighter because there's more things to do than hours in the day. Hoping to get all caught up tonight though. Let's just hope so..

So, random, but I want more followers!

Something about the more people reading what I have to say, the more accountable I am for things I say I'm going to do. Does that make sense? So, for those who read me on a daily basis (now that I'm blogging daily) mind giving me a shout out? I would do giveaways for it, but being a broke college student is no fun :(

But, thank you if you do. If not, it's fine, I love you anyway <3