Journey to a Better Me

Giveaway!

2010-03-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

Don't these look delicious? Wouldn't you like to get some free!? Well head on over to Lori's blog, and if you aren't already following her, be sure too! She is a great read, and a great inspiration!

New Start, New Blog

2009-12-15T03:07:00.001-08:00

http://project-revamp.blogspot.com/

Follow :) Will be moving everyone over that I am following slowly.

Sticks and Stones..

2009-12-13T00:05:00.000-08:00

How long does it take you before you tell somebody a comment hurts you? That it's not just something they can joke about. Every time you comment about my weight, even in a joking manner, it drives me towards food.

I made it clear in my last blog that I was not even going to attempt until New Years, and I told my mom (joking) that I needed high cal food and caffeine, and I got jumped. "You're ruining your body every time you do that, I don't care anymore I don't want to hear about your weight, do what you want, if you end up 500 pounds it's your fault."

Those words cut deeper than almost anything anybody has ever said. He read the New Years blog, he knows I am having major caffeine withdrawals, and the fact that since I moved here he has mentioned how I can lose weight (before I told him I wanted to), it bugs me. If I don't lose weight am I going to lose him? I want to do it for me, not him. Yes, our life, our marriage, our kids, are all things that make me want to lose weight, but overall it's for me. I made it clear I want to start on New Years, he needs to stay off my back until then.

He has habits that hurt me, a lot, so why can he try to dictate my food? My life? I can't dictate his. As much as he means to me sometimes it feels like if I don't let him be a little controlling I will lose him, so I normally don't speak up. It's easier not too. Maybe that should be a goal for the new year? To make sure we're both happy, not just one, which is how it normally goes. Either I'm doing everything to make him happy, or he's doing everything to make me happy. Shouldn't we be working together to make each other happy?

Eh, this probably sounds whiny, just wanted to..vent.

Back to the planning process

2009-12-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

So, I am tired of just..living. I want to do something, be something, be someone. I feel like it will never happen, and my past is the reason I live how I do today, and I hate it.

My past has made me a horrible daughter, a horrible wife, and I'm afraid it will make me a horrible mother. So, it's time for a lifetime change. Beings I am going home in 3 days for Christmas, and being home is hard to have any kind of order in my life, I am going to use it as planning. I get home the 27th, in which case I will show William what I have came up with, talk everything over with him, and then on January 1st my new life starts. A better wife, a better person in general.

Also, when I get back, I want to go and get our marriage official. We don't want an actual wedding, not yet, we want a courthouse wedding, with a big wedding to renew our vows later on in life. I am not sure he is ready to do this, I know I am, and he says he is, but I also know he sometimes says things just to make me happy. I am extremely ready for this step, but as to whether he is or not? I will have to find out. I would love to start off the new year as a married woman, in charge of her life once and for all.

I love the planning part, but when it comes to actually doing it not so much. I need to learn to like to clean, cook, hmm maybe a chore list? What do you think? It's me, him, and Denise living here, so maybe we do our room, and then we take turns with cooking, dishes, bathroom, living room, blah blah blah..?

I need to clean now, but am honestly feeling like shit. I have a migraine from hell, and cleaning would be hellacious right now. Shhh, not telling William about the migraine, he is under the impression I need to go to a doctor for them, as they are becoming more frequent again. I think once I get my life in order they will slowly go away.

I haven't made a goals list yet, that will be when I get home, but one major goal on my list is to cut down on cursing. I want to quit saying f*** all together, and highly cut down on the rest. We are both discussing children, and I refuse to use that language around my children, so best to cut down now.

I need to find some vegetables I really like, besides green beans, so I can eat fruits and vegetables everyday. Now I am off to look at some coupons to print out, take a bath, then get some sleep.

Random. 12/9/09

2009-12-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

So, I actually let William read through this blog. Nobody whom I know in real life has ever had the link to this, except when I have given people direct links to a post. It made me feel really stupid, that he was reading everything I had ever really thought, because here is one place I can actually be honest. But, this is who I am, he can either take it or leave it.

We have been discussing a lot about how I portray the negative to people, instead of stating the positive too. I do that a lot, don't I? But, I will never ever agree that he is right ;).

Anywho, on a different note. I may be going home on Monday for Christmas. I hate feeling torn, I want nothing more than to spend Christmas with William, but mom is saying he can't come home with me. So it's choose between my grandma and William, which may just be the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I can barely stand to spend hours away from him, let alone weeks, and Christmas!? Bullshit in my eyes. My mom doesn't like him because he "stole" me, but that's not how I look at it at all. He rescued me is the only way to legitimately put it.

On the note of what this blog was originally about, I should be losing weight, but definitely not the right way. I need to start willingly exercise, need to start eating healthy, need to start doing so much more. I eat maybe once a day, and walk when we have to go somewhere. I need to walk up to cubs and get groceries, but we all know how that went last time I tried. I hate being afraid of the town I'm in, I hate being afraid of the bus, I know I need to get over it, need to grow up, but it's not exactly easy.

Well, I am going to go either play Sims or read, at least I'm blogging all the time, as promised. Also reading other peoples, but not commenting as often.

The past to the present?

2009-12-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

So, a few months ago I posted a blog about how I hold grudges, normally for no reasons. Well, I also found out I am very hypocritical, and that is something I plan on working on very much. My fiance means the absolute world to me, I don't remember ever being this happy, and I have never been with someone who has treated me this good, but I am still very jealous. We are around each other 24/7 (yes a bit unhealthy), but I still can't trust him? He gives me absolutely no reason not to trust him, he never tries to hide anything, yet past relationships, including his, make it hard for me.

Tonight, I went through his files on his computer, the whole time I was doing it I expected to find something. I have been with him everyday for the past 2 months, when would he even have time for an "affair"? I told him what I did, and we discussed it, but it bothers me that I can't just let it go. I know he loves me, I love him, but it doesn't change anything in my mind.

I have got to quit letting the past "control" me, and my feelings today. I want him to trust me, but I can't give him the trust he deserves. He is my life, my world, yet I am hypocritical. If he went through my files, I would be livid. So my goal right now is to force myself to move on. I love him, so much, so let's hope I can show him how I feel, and quit letting Matt, Kevin, Jose, and Julio control my feelings. (Explaining those names will come in another blog.)

Hopefully I learn to move on fast, because I refuse to lose him over my insecurities that didn't even derive from him.

Mental Breakdown

2009-12-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, I skipped a few days, and not because I've been busy, simply because I've had nothing to blog about! Well last night, something came up for me to blog about. As you all know, from a recent post, I recently moved in with my fiance. Well I didn't mention that this move brought me from a town with a population of less than a 1,000 to a city with a population of over 100,000. As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm still a bit terrified of the town.

So last night, I decided to be the brave little girl I am, and tell William (the fiance obviously) that I would walk down to Cub Foods without him. It's about 1/2 mile down the road, and I needed the exercise, so I didn't have a problem with it (We don't have a car yet, so it's all either taxi, bus, or walking, and we are tight for money so taxi is out of the question). I promised to talk to my mom the whole way there, and that she would get ahold of him online if something happened, as my phone is the only one on right now.

So, I am about halfway there, it's cold, a wonderful 27 degree weather, with snow coming down, but I'm still doing okay. All of a sudden my phone beeps at me. I look down and see that it's dying. I all of a sudden completely go into panic mode. I was on the verge of tears, and my mom was freaking out because she didn't know what to do, just knew I was terrified.

So my best friend gets online to get ahold of William, and instead of saying "She's at Cubs now, she's okay, but she wants you to come get her so she doesn't have to walk back alone" he decides to approach it the other way. "She's scared, crying, get your ass down there." type thing. So William throws on a jacket and runs the half mile. He made it there in less than 15 mins, which I may add is not exactly healthy in that cold of weather.

I have a feeling he will make fun of my breakdown for quite some time, but hey, he must love me to do that for me :)!

I know, this story is kinda boring, and lovey-dovey, but it's the only eventful thing that's happened lately.

Honest Scrap

2009-12-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

Karen over at Make Just A Ripple gave me the Honest Scrap Award, Now I am to give it to 7 others, and give you 10 completely honest bits of information about myself! You will be sorry you asked!

My Seven:

Karen: I love reading her blog, and love following her success!

Jo: I have loved reading her story, her progress, and about her life.

Crystal: Because she absolutely rocks!

Katie J : This woman owns my heart.

Laura:I love reading her blog, she is a pretty amazing person.

Alison : Met this one on twitter, and she is pretty KA.

Lyn :So inspirational, almost every post makes me tear up. She's came so far, and I am so proud of her.

Okay, so onto the 10:

1. I am slowly learning how to deal with my regrets, and my past. My fiance has been a huge help, and I don't thank him near enough.

2. I have extreme OCD tendencies, and I'm not sure I will ever over come them, nor do I want to.

3. I've never broken a bone. I've had some pretty bad injuries, but no broken bones.

4. I try to read people, and normally read to deep. This has caused me to fuck up a lot of relationships, and they are normally not salvageable. I did this with my fiance multiple times, but as he has the same problem, he overlooked it.

5. I am not a very religious person, but I want to put my kids in church. I am very confused as to how I want to do it.

6. I am so ready to have kids, and the main thing stopping me is financial stability.

7. I normally let myself get hurt to avoid hurting other people. I never put myself first, which is one reason I'm unhappy with my life.

8. I never ask the questions I want too, and instead bottle them up. This makes me very curious, all the time, and I always have something on my mind.

9. I am on facebook and twitter entirely too much, though most of my friends are more addicted than I am.

10. I love to read, but lately have stopped because for some reason I don't think it's important enough.

Now ... aren't you sorry you asked?

Hola!

2009-12-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

Guess who's back!

Going to try to post at least once a day again, now that things have settled down.

Now to explain why I went MIA.

I moved, in with my fiance, out of nowhere. Wasn't expected, wasn't planned, was up here visiting him, and didn't want to leave. Told my mom to leave me here. It has caused a lot of stress on everyone, and job hunting is hellacious. The support of my fellow bloggers is exactly what I need right now, and when I noticed I was still getting comments, despite not posting in over a month, I realized I had to come back!

Also, Karen over at make just a ripple left me an award, will post that tomorrow !

MIA

2009-11-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

I probably won't post often for awhile, will explain later. If you have me on FB you saw the wonderful blowout fight between my aunt and friends, haha.

Anyway, e-mail if you need anything (:

All nighters...ew

2009-10-27T22:55:00.001-07:00

So, I am doing an all nighter because there's more things to do than hours in the day. Hoping to get all caught up tonight though. Let's just hope so..

So, random, but I want more followers!

Something about the more people reading what I have to say, the more accountable I am for things I say I'm going to do. Does that make sense? So, for those who read me on a daily basis (now that I'm blogging daily) mind giving me a shout out? I would do giveaways for it, but being a broke college student is no fun :(

But, thank you if you do. If not, it's fine, I love you anyway <3

Sick

2009-10-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, and can barely move. I feel like a train has ran over me multiple times. So school is out of the question, but being productive ISN'T.

I'm going to do some meal plans, get my planner sorted, and hopefully make some applesauce.

Thank you, Lori (It won't let me link right for some reason so www.findingradiance.com) for the amazing answer to my commenting question. I am hoping to be feeling better by tomorrow, and hoping it's nothing more than a mini-stress related illness.

All Ready For Bed

2009-10-26T19:23:00.001-07:00

I'm ready for bed, and looking back on today I realize how stressed I am. I had to sit down and just breathe multiple times today..

Need to find a way to calm down and still get everything done..any ideas?

Still no great advice on comments, how do you guys reply to comments?

Random Question

2009-10-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

The wonderful Katie J has informed the blackberrying should not count because we all knew if I could, I would have been. Very true.

Okay, I have an important question for all of you. It's something that always kinda stumps me. If somebody comments on your blog, and you want to reply, do you reply on there? Do you go to their blog and leave a comment? Other?

Not really sure what to do there, lol.

Challenge #1 (6)

2009-10-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know what I"m talking to refer to here.

Okay, so I'm not sure if this counts, but my blackberry is dead with no charger, therefore I am stuck on an old cell phone with no net, therefore I am technically not blackberrying. Yes it's by force, but I'm still not doing it!

As long as after I get a charger I still don't blackberry until I get home, we're good.

To be honest, I completely forgot I wanted to start this challenge today until I looked back on my blogs. But that's okay, I started without meaning too!

This weekend was really boring. Lately I have been major studying about Columbine, and I'm not really sure why, except it intrigues me. The signs, the aftermath, it all really intrigues me. Today I am FINALLY ordering Columbine by Dave Cullen.

I have been meaning to for awhile now, but thinks always come up. Like I went to buy it at Barnes N Noble, and they only had hard back and it was outrageously expensive. So, that will be ordered today, Thank God. I read some of it at Barnes N Noble and his insight is amazing, so expect a review on that one soon, as I will read it fast, I guarantee it.

But, I have a class coming up, so that is all for now. Will try to get a blog in this afternoon, no promises though!

Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

2009-10-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen.

“Ruby, where is your mother?” With that question from the social worker, Ruby knew the game is up. She’s been living alone in the old yellow house, waiting out the months until she turns eighteen and can finally be on her own legally. It certainly wasn’t in her plan to be reunited with Cora, the sister who left ten years before, and brought to live with Cora and her wealthy entrepreneur husband. Suddenly life is transformed: a luxurious house, private school, new clothes, and even the chance of a future Ruby couldn’t have dreamed of. So why is she wary, unable to be grateful, incapable of letting anyone close? Her old life has been left behind, but where does she fit in this new life? Only Nate, the genial, popular boy next door, seems to understand, perhaps because he’s hiding some secrets of his own.

This book was very young adult, but it was definitely worth the read. It begins with introducing us to Ruby, a 17 year old whom is months away from graduation, and has always been taught to make it on her own. Her mom has abandoned her, and she’s lived alone in the yellow house, with conditions that nobody should ever have to live in. One day, when the dryer breaks and the landlord comes to check it out, everything changes. She is shipped to live with her wealthy sister, Cora, and Cora’s husband, Jamie, and all of a sudden everything is different. She went from no running water, to a house with an in-progress pool in the backyard .But is this enough?

She misses her old lifestyle, and her old friends, and is determined not to fit in at the new school. So, how does she react when the cute neighbor boy, Nate, the twelve year old (gassy) senior, Gervais, and the girl who has nothing, yet everything, in common with her, Olivia, all decide to befriend her? Or when she begins to fall in love with Nate?

A girl who previously had no future suddenly has it all. A family, friends, and even a great job, working for Harriett, the saleswoman who makes her own jewelry, and hardly has time to breathe.

Can Ruby survive the so called perfect life? Can she handle her own trials, along with try to fix Nate’s violent home-life? Sarah Dessen sends you through a vivid journey with Ruby, Nate, and Cora, with many twists that are never expected.

Final Rating: 4/5 stars.

Click to purchase!

Challenge

2009-10-22T02:06:00.000-07:00

I'm reading an old issue of Self Magazine (Feb 09 to be exact) and I just saw the article named "See Jenna Run". I am going to take it on, just as she did. I have two weeks. Not 10 days like is suggested, mostly because of school. So I will blog my process:

1. Make a healthy, tasty Crock-Pot meal
This will be a bit hard, but I'm sure I'll get it done :)

2. Dress in a fresh way for work
I don't have many clothes I don't wear on a daily basis, so I think I'm going to try pairing up different things, and I bought make-up so I will be counting that.

3. On a workday, go for a 20-minute jog
Shouldn't be too hard :)

4. Get eight hours of sleep.
Are you kidding me? I think this will be the hardest.

5. Reconnect with an old friend
This will be hard. But I have a few people from my junior high in a college class I had; I never ever speak to her because we weren't great friends in school. I think I'll just try to have a conversation with her.

6. For one day, don't Blackberry
Are you effing kidding me? Ouch!

7. On a workday, do 25 crunches
Easy Peasy

8. Curl up with a book and relax
I can so do that:)

So wish me luck, I hope to get all of these done, and as I said I will blog along the way :)

Psychology

2009-10-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, in psychology we were given a mini-assignment to write up a list of 10 things that describe me. This assignment wasn’t very easy for me, but I did it. Here’s what I came up with:

We talked about something after this. Self-perception theory means we want to see ourselves in a positive light. Three-fourths of the class had more positive than negative which to me was weird. Why are nine-tenths of mine negative? Submissive is the only positive, and it’s iffy. Awkward. I realized that it comes with low self confidence. So my “assignment” for you is to comment with 10 words that describe you, but try to focus on the positive!

We also talked about how we don’t know ourselves as much as we think we do. I don’t think we realize this as much as we should. We DON’T know ourselves the way others do. In some ways we see things they don’t, and in others they see things we don’t.

So leave your comments, how do you see yourself? If you don’t want to share publically, e-mail me!

caitlin.burke@live.com

Help me with my Comp paper?

2009-10-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to do a compare/contrast essay, and I have 14 ideas. Choose one, come up with your own, give input,anything? Lol

1. Marriage and Prison
2. Columbine and University of Texas Shooting
3. Columbine and Oklahoma City Bombing
4. Jillian Michels and Bob Harper
5. Condoms and Birth Control
6. Toddlers and teenagers
7. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold
8. Working as a waitress vs porn star
9. Computers and pen/paper for writing
10. Twilight; movies vs book
11. Gun control in 1999 and now
12. Criminal psychologist and child psychologist
13. Rape and seduction
14. Smoking and alcohol

Help? Lol

"I Will Never Know Why"

2009-10-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

A decade after Dylan Klebold took part in the massacare at Columbine High School, his mother, Susan Kelbold, finally talks: about the horror of that day, the agony that followed, and her search for answers in the terrible place were murder and suicide met.

Okay, a lot of people reading this won't know me much, but I study gruesome history in my free time. Lately, Columbine has been what I've studied most, I want to understand why it happened. I decided to type up (Wow it took forever) an essay that Susan Klebold wrote for Oprah Magazine. All credit for everything below this point goes to Susan Klebold, Oprah, and the publishers of Oprah magazine.

Just after noon on Tuesday, April 20, 1999, I was preparing to leave my downtown Denver office for a meeting when I noticed the red message light flashing on my phone. I worked for the state of Colorado, administering training programs for people with disabilities; my meeting was about student scholarships, and I figured the message might be a last-minute cancellation. But it was my husband, calling from his home office. His voice was breathless and ragged, and his words stopped my heart. “Susan –this is an emergency! Call me back immediately!”

The level of pain in his voice could only mean one thing: Something had happened to one of our sons. In the seconds that passed as I picked up the phone and dialed our house, panic swelled within me; it felt as though millions of tiny needles were pricking my skin. My heart pounded in my ears. My hands began shaking. I tried to orient myself. One of my boys was at school and the other at work. It was the lunch hour. Had there been a car accident?

When my husband picked up the phone, he shouted, “Listen to the television!” –then held out the receiver so I could hear. I couldn’t understand the words being broadcast, but the fact that whatever happened was big enough to be on TV filled me with terror. Were we at war? Was our country under nuclear attack? “What’s happening?” I shrieked.

He came back on the line and poured out what he’d just learned during a distraught call from a close friend of our 17-year-old son, Dylan: There was some kind of shooting at the high school… gunmen in black trenchcoats were firing at people..the friends knew all the kids wore trenchcoats, and all were accounted for except Dylan and his friend Eric…and Dylan and Eric hadn’t been in class that morning..and no one knew where they were.

My husband had told himself that if he found the coat, Dylan couldn’t be involved. He’d torn the house apart, looking everywhere. No coat. When there was nowhere left to look, somehow we knew the truth. It was like staring at one of those computer-generated 3-D pictures where the abstract pattern suddenly comes into focus as a recognizable image.

I barely got enough air in my lungs to say, “I’m coming home.” We hung up without saying goodbye.

My office was 26 miles from our house. All I could think as I drove was that Dylan was in danger. With every cell in my body, I felt his importance to me, and I knew I would never recover if anything happened to him. I seesawed between impossible possibilities, all of them sending me into paroxysms of fear. Maybe no one knew where Dylan was because he’d been shot himself. Maybe he was lying in the school somewhere injured or dead. Maybe he was being held hostage. Maybe he was trapped and couldn’t get word to us. Maybe it was some kind of prank and no one was hurt. How could we think for even a second that Dylan could shoot someone? Shame on us for even considering the idea. Dylan was a gentle, sensible kid. No one in our family had ever owned a gun. How in the world could he be part of something like this?

Yet no matter how hard I wanted to believe that he wasn’t, I couldn’t dismiss the possibility. My husband had noticed something tight in Dylan’s voice earlier that week; I had heard it myself just that morning. I knew that Dylan disliked his school. And that he’d spent much of the past few days with Eric Harris –who hadn’t been to our house for months but suddenly stayed over one night that weekend. If Eric was missing now, too, then I couldn’t’ deny that the two of them might be involved in something bad together. More than a year earlier, they had broken into a van parked on a country road near our house. They’d been arrested and had completed a juvenile diversion program that involved counseling, community service, and classes. Their theft had shown that under each other’s influence they could be impulsive and unscrupulous. Could they also –no matter how unbelievable it seemed –be violent?

When I got home my husband told me the police were on their way. I had so much adrenaline in my system that even as I was changing out my work clothes, I was racing from room to room. I felt such an urgency to be ready for whatever might happen next. I called my sister. As I told her what was going on, I was overcome by horror, and I started to cry. Moments after I hung up the phone, my 20-year-old son walked in and lifted me like a rag doll in his arms while I sobbed into a dish towel. Then my husband shouted from the front hallway, “They’re here!”

Members of a SWAT team in dark uniforms with bulletproof vests had arrived. I thought they were coming to help us or to get our assistance in helping Dylan; if Dylan did have a gun maybe they were hoping we could persuade him to put it down. But it seemed that in the SWAT team’s eyes we were suspects ourselves, Years later I would learn that many of their actions that day were intended to protect us; fearing that we could hurt ourselves or that our home might be rigged with explosives, they told us we had to leave our house. For the rest of the afternoon, we stayed outside, sitting on the sidewalk or pacing up and down our brick walk. When we needed to use the bathroom, two armed guards escorted us inside and waited by the door.

I do not remember how or when, but sometime that day it was confirmed that Dylan and Eric were indeed perpetrators in a massacre at the school. I was in shock and barely grasped what was happening, but I could hear the television through the open windows. News coverage announced a growing tally of victims. Helicopters began circling overhead to capture a killer’s family on film. Cars lined the road and onlookers gawked to get a better view.

Though others were suffering, my thoughts focused on the safety of my own child. With every moment that passed, the likelihood of seeing Dylan as I knew him diminished. I asked the police over and over, “What’s happening? Where’s Dylan? Is he okay?” Late in the afternoon someone finally told me he was dead but not how he died. We were told to evacuate for a few days so authorities could search our home; we found shelter in the basement of a family member’s house. After a sleepless night, I learned that Dylan and Eric had killed 12 students and one teacher, and injured 24 others, before taking their own lives.

As a young child, Dylan made parenting easy. From the time he was a toddler, he had a remarkable attention span and sense of order. He spent hours focusing on puzzles and interlocking toys. He loved origami and Legos. By third grade, when he entered a gifted program at school, he had become his father’s most devoted chess partner. He and his brother acted out feats of heroism in our backyard. He played Little League baseball. No matter what he did, he was driven to win—and was very hard on himself when he lost.

His adolescence was less joyful than his childhood. As he grew, he became extremely shy and uncomfortable when he was the center of attention, and would hide or act silly if we tried to take his picture. By junior high, it was evident that he no longer liked school; worse his passion for learning was gone. In high school, he held a job and participated as a sound technician in school productions, but his grades were only fair. He hung out with friends, slept late when he could, spent time in his room, and played video games on a computer he built. In his junior year, he stunned us by hacking into the school’s computer system with a friend (a violation for which he was expelled), but the low point of that year was his arrest. After the arrest, we kept him away from Eric for several weeks, and as time passed he seemed to distance himself from Eric of his own accord. I took this as a good sign.

By Dylan’s senior year, he had grown tall and thin. His hair was long and scraggly; under his baseball cap, it stuck out like a clown wig. He’d been accepted at four colleges and had decided to go to the University of Arizona, but he’d never regained his love of learning. He was quiet. He grew irritated when we critiqued on his driving, asked him to help around the house, or suggested that he get a haircut. In the last few months of senior year, he was pensive, as if he were thinking about the challenges of growing older. One day in April I said, “You seem so quiet lately –are you okay?” He said he was “Just tired”. Another time I asked if he wanted to talk about going away to college. I told him that if he didn’t feel ready, he could stay home and go to a community college. He said, “I definitely want to go away.” If that was a reference to anything more than leaving home for college, it never occurred to me.

Early on April 20, I was getting dressed for work when I heard Dylan bound down the stairs and open the front door. Wondering why he was in such a hurry when he could have slept another 20 minutes, I poked my head out of the bedroom. “Dyl?” All he said was “Bye.” The front door slammed, and his car sped down the driveway. His voice had sounded sharp. I figured he was mad because he’d had to get up early to give someone a lift to class. I had no idea that I had just heard his voice for the last time.

It took about six months for the sheriff’s department to begin sharing some of the evidence explaining what happened that day. For those six months, Dylan’s friends and family were in denial. We didn’t know that he and Eric had assembled an arsenal of explosive and guns. We believed his participation in the massacre was accidental or that he had been coerced. We believed that he did not intend to hurt anyone. One friend was sure that Dylan had been tricked at the last minute into using live ammunition. None of us could accept that he was capable of doing what he did.

These thoughts may seem foolish in light of what we now know, but they reflect what we believed to be true about Dylan. Yes, he had filled notebook pages with his private thoughts and feelings, repeatedly expressing profound alienation. But we’d never seen those notebooks. And yes, he’d written a school paper about a man in a black trenchcoat who brutally murders nine students. But we’d never seen that paper. (Although it had alarmed his English teacher enough to bring it to our attention, when we asked to see the paper at a parent-teacher conference, she didn’t have it with her. Nor did she describe the contents beyond calling them “disturbing.” At the conference –where we discussed many things, including books in the curriculum, Gen X versus Gen Y learners, and the ‘60s folk song “four Strong Winds” –we agreed that she would show the paper to Dylan’s guidance counselor; if he thought it was a problem, one of them would contact me. I never heard from them.) We didn’t see the paper, or Dylan’s other writings, until the police showed them to use six months after the tragedy.

In the weeks and months that followed the killings, I was nearly insane with sorrow for the suffering my son had caused, and with grief for the child I had lost. Much of the time, I felt that I could not breathe, and I often wished that I would die. I got lost while driving. When I returned to work part-time in late May, I’d sit through meetings without the slightest idea of what was being said. Entire conversations slipped from memory. I cried at inappropriate times, embarrassing those around me. Once, I saw a dead pigeon in a parking lot and nearly became hysterical. I mistrusted everything –especially my own judgment.

Seeing pictures of the devastation and the weeping survivors was more than I could bear. I avoided all news coverage in order to function. I was obsessed with the thoughts of the innocent children and the teacher who suffered because of Dylan’s cruelty. I grieved for the other families, even though we had never met. Some had lost loved ones, while others were coping with severe, debilitating injuries and psychological trauma. It was impossible to believe that someone I had raised could cause so much suffering. The discovery that it could have been worse –that if their plan had worked, Dylan and Eric would have blown up the whole school –only increased the agony.

But while I perceived myself to be a victim of the tragedy, I didn’t have the comfort of being perceived that way by most of the community. I was widely viewed as a perpetrator or at least an accomplice since I was the person who raised a “monster.” In one newspaper survey, 83 percent of respondents said that the parents’ failure to teach Dylan and Eric proper values played a major part in the Columbine killings. If I turned on the radio, I heard angry voices condemning us for Dylan’s actions. Our elected officials stated publically that bad parenting was the cause of the massacre.

Through all of this, I felt extreme humiliation. For months I refused to use y last name in public. I avoided eye contact when I walked. Dylan was a product of my life’s work, but his final actions implied that he had never been taught the fundamentals of right and wrong. There was no way to atone for my son’s behavior.

Those of us who cared for Dylan felt responsible for his death. We thought, if I had been a better (mother, father, brother, friend, aunt, uncle, cousin), I would have known it was coming. We perceived his actions to be our failure. I tried to identify a pivotal event in his upbringing that could account for his anger. Had I been too strict? Not strict enough? Had I pushed too hard, or not hard enough? In the days before he died, I had hugged him and told him how much I loved him. I held his scratchy face between my palms and told him that he was a wonderful person and that I was proud of him. Had he felt pressured by this? Did he feel that he could not live up to my expectations?

I longed to talk to Dylan one last time and ask him what he had been thinking. I spoke to him in my thoughts and prayed for understanding. I concluded that he must not have loved me, because love would have prevented him from doing what he did. And though at moments I was angry with him, mostly I thought that I was the one who needed his forgiveness because I’d failed to see that he needed help.

Since the tragedy, I have been through many hours of therapy. I have enjoyed the devotion and kindness of friends, neighbors, coworkers, family members, and strangers. I also received an unexpected blessing. On a few occasions I was contacted by the parents of some of the children killed at the school. These courageous individuals asked to meet privately so we could talk. Their compassion helped me survive.

Still, Dylan’s participation in the massacre was impossible for me to accept until I began to connect it to his own death. Once I saw his journals, it was clear to me that Dylan entered the school with the intention of dying there. And so, in order to understand what he might have been thinking, I started to learn all I could about suicide.

Suicide is the end result of a complex mix of pathology, character, and circumstance that produces severe emotional distress. This distress is so great that it impairs one’s ability to think and act rationally. From the writings Dylan left behind, criminal psychologists have concluded that he was depressed and suicidal. When I first saw copied pages of these writings, they broke my heart. I’d had no inkling of the battle Dylan was waging in his mind. As early as two years before the shootings he wrote about ending his life. In one poem he wrote, “Revenge is sorry / death is a reprieve / life is a punishment / other’s achievements are tormentations / people are alike / I am different.” He wrote about his longing for love and his near obsession with a girl who apparently did not know he existed. He wrote, “Earth, humanity, HERE, that’s mostly what I think about, I hate it. I want to be free…free… I thought It would have been time by now, the pain multiplies infinitely. Never stops. (yet?) I’m here, STILL alone, still in pain…..”

Among the items police found in his room were two half-empty bottles of Saint John’s-wort, an herb believed to elevate mood and combat mild depression. I asked one of Dylan’s friends if he knew that Dylan had been taking it. Dylan told him he hoped it would increase his “motivation.”

Each year there are approximately 33,000 suicides in the United States. (In Colorado, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 15 to 34.) And it is estimated that 1 to 2 percent of suicides involve killing of an additional person or people. I will never know why Dylan was part of that small percentage. I will never be able to explain or excuse what he did. No humiliating experience at school could justify such a disproportionate reaction. Nor can I say how powerfully he was influenced by a friend. I don’t know how much control he had over his choices at the time of his death, what factors pushed him to commit murder, and why he did not end his pain alone. In talking with other suicide survivors and attempters, however, I think I have some idea why he didn’t ask for help.

I believe that Dylan did not want to talk about his thoughts because he was ashamed of having them. He was accustomed to handling his own problems, and he perceived his inability to do so as a weakness. People considering suicide sometimes feel that the world would be better off without them, and their reasons for wanting to die make sense to them. They are too ill to see the irrationality of their thinking. I believe it frightened Dylan to encounter something he did not know how to manage, since he had always taken pride in his self-reliance. I believe he tried to push his negative thoughts away, not realizing that bringing them out in the open was a way to conquer them.

In raising Dylan, I taught him how to protect himself from a host of dangers: lightning, snake bites, head injuries, skin cancer, smoking, drinking, sexually transmitted diseases, drug addiction, reckless driving, even carbon monoxide poisoning. It never occurred to me that the gravest danger –to him and, as it turned out, to many others –might come from within. Most of us do not see suicidal thinking as the health threat that it is. We are not trained to identify it in others, to help others appropriately, or to respond in a healthy way if we have these feelings ourselves.

In loving memory of Dylan, I support suicide research and encourage responsible prevention and awareness practices as well as support for survivors. I hope that someday everyone will recognize the warning signs of suicide –including feelings of hopelessness, withdrawal, pessimism, and other signs of serious depression –as easily as we recognize the warning signs of cancer. I hope we will get over our fear of talking about suicide. I hope we will teach our children that most suicidal teens telegraph their intentions to their friends, whether through verbal statements, notes, or a preoccupation with death. I hope we come to understand the link between suicidal behavior and violent behavior, and realize that dealing with the former may help us prevent the latter. (According to the U.S. Secret Service Safe School Initiative, 78 percent of school attackers have a history of suicide attempts or suicidal thoughts.) But we must remember that warning signs may not always tell the story. No one saw that Dylan was depressed. He did not speak of death, give away possessions, or say that the world would be better off without him. And we should also remember that even if someone is exhibiting suicidal risk, it may not always be possible to prevent tragedy. Some who commit suicide or murder-suicide are –like Eric Harris –already receiving psychiatric care.

If my research has taught me one thing, it’s this: Anyone can be touched by suicide. But for those who are feeling suicidal or who have lost someone to suicide, help is available –through resources provided by nonprofits like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and the American Association of Suicidology. (If you are having persistent thoughts about suicide, call the national suicide prevention lifeline at 800-273-8255 to speak with a counselor. And if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide, know that National Survivors of Suicide Day is November 21, with more than 150 conferences scheduled across the United States and around the world.)

For the rest of my life, I will be haunted by the horror and anguish Dylan caused. I cannot look at a child in a grocery store or on the street without thinking about how y son’s schoolmates spent the last moments of their lives. Dylan changed everything I believed about myself, about God, about family, and about love. I think I believed that if I loved someone as deeply as I loved him, I would know if he were in trouble. My maternal instincts weren’t enough. And the fact that I never saw tragedy coming is still almost inconceivable to me. I only hope my story can help those who can still be helped. I hope that, by reading of my experience, someone will see what I missed.
----------------------------------------

I would put my thoughts down here, if I had any. I feel for Susan Klebold, and the other parent's of victims, because no matter how some people look at it, Dylan was a victim too. I really wish the parents of Eric Harris would write too, so let's cross our fingers for the future.

18 followers?

2009-10-10T12:38:00.001-07:00

I have 18 followers! Yay!

So for biology extra credit today I had to count squirrels in a nearby town, not only that but at 7:30am. It was the equivalence of torture.

So, I haven't actually told anyone how I've been lately. Well I guess I have, but anyway.

I have been pretty good, very in love, you will probably hear about William a few times, for those who haven't already.

Anyway , today has been cold, but pretty relaxing:

Me relaxing, reading Lock and Key;

Yum hot chocolate! Can't wait to start reading again, but will be online for awhile, catching up on more blogs, and facebook :) Going to start watching Glee soon.

Library

2009-10-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the library, they didn't have any books on my list, but I got a few I have been wanting to read:

Right now am reading Lock & Key by Sarah Deesen, so far it's pretty good :)

Not much to blog about today, had a pretty bad morning but don't wanna talk about it

List of Books to Read

2009-10-06T11:57:00.001-07:00

I finally decided to make my "Books to Read" list. Please comment with any book ideas, I am into almost everything.

List so far:
The Cinderella Society by Kay Cassidy
My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult
IT by Stephen King
The Man with the Golden Torc by Simon R Green
Breaking the Bank by Yona Zeldis
Undiscovered Gyrl by Allison Burnett
Columbine by Dave Cullen
The Cupcake Queen by Heather Hepler

The Plan

2009-10-06T09:45:00.001-07:00

So, this blog is going to become way more multi-purpose. I think if it's not ONLY focused on weightloss I'll blog even when I fall off the bandwagon.

But the weightloss plan is going to be as soon as I finish the drinks I already bought I am going to work on cutting out sugar and caffeine. Anyone that knows me knows how hard this will be, I am completely addicted to caffeine. Then after I get a job I am going to try to go GF, and going to look to Karen for support and recipes. I know she'll be there for me as much as she possibly can.

But, I always meant for this to be a multi-purpose blog, but I've always ended up going back to weightloss. So from now on it's my life, my journeys, my plans.

Why do I always disappear?

2009-10-05T10:34:00.001-07:00

*pokes the written comp papers, the given speeches, and the psych tests*

Why must they always make me disappear around this time?

I am determined to beat them this time though, I have time to blog I'm just always too tired to.

My eating isn't horrible, my exercise is still way down, but I shall overcome it :)

The Past

2009-09-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

First off, a horrible confession, I skipped breakfast. I shouldn't have, I was up in plenty of time to eat, i just didn't want to cook. I really need to get on the ball and start doing the things I know I have to do.

Now, onto a "rant" about the past, or not so much rant, well you'll see what it is.

I noticed about 10 minutes ago that I live in the past. I dwell on the past much more than needed, and it has got to stop. A guy from the past, Scott, was sitting in a chair in the hallway. I didn't even know he went here, but he tried to stop me to talk. I just walked past, I had no wants or desires to even acknowledge him. On my way back down the hall after class (Yay for only quizzes), I gave him a "go to hell" look. His friend was like "Ouch does she know you?" and he barely audibly replied yes. Now, Scott didn't hurt me, there were no major fights, he just happened to be in a time of my life I try not to acknowledge anymore. So why the hell did I give him the cold shoulder when it was majorly unneeded, and rude. I have no idea. I have got to move on. So, when I see him again I plan on saying Hi, and walking past as if he was another stranger in the hall. I say hello to strangers all the time, so why not to an old friend?

I guess this was just another revelation of many in my lifestyle change.

Small Organization Post

2009-09-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

This post is mostly for me, in case my notebook gets lost etc, but this is my "organization" note book so far:

Things To Do Every Morning After Breakfast/Shower
Wash Face
Brush Teeth
Mouth Wash
Brush Hair
Check bag and Purse
Study for 30 mins or until time to leave
Organize stuff, and then free.

Things that go in Bag & Purse
Bag:
Books for Day
Planner
Books I'm Reading
Pens/Pencils

Purse:
Phone
Wallet
Calculator
Tylenol
Keys
Camera

That's it so far, still working on it, of course, need to write goals in it, will get to doing so soon :)

About to head to bed, two posts in one day, wow a personal record.

September 20th

2009-09-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today was boring, I didn't get a work out in, Jason hovered over me all day, ew.

Breakfast was scrambled eggs and toast, yum.

Drank kool-aid with it, I am trying to make myself like water by itself. Not working well :(.

Chicken with green beans, yum! Ate almost all of it, the chicken was a bit too hot for me. Was seasoned with salt, pepper, and red pepper.

Dinner was turkey on bread with lays potato chips. Should have left off the chips, but they sounded good at the time.

No idea how many calories this was all together, but all in all it was a pretty good day.

Okay!

2009-09-19T10:56:00.001-07:00

I am prepared as can be, and my camera came in, so I am officially a food blogger ;)

Well, will be tomorrow as today is just letting battery charge.

poke

2009-09-13T10:38:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm not MIA, I will continue to blog, just been major busy.

Right now I HAVE to go study for a psych test, will post either tonight or tomorrow :)

A Sorta Random Update

2009-09-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am getting a "goals" notebook ready again, only this time am writing in detail goals of what I want to accomplish to better myself.

It's not with me (I'm in the school library) or I would get it out.

I am going to start counting the walking around campus as mild exercise, because I always have about 20 to 30 pounds of books, and these are some logn walks. I know the walk across the bridge ( Will take a pic and post when my digitial camera comes in ) is about 1/2 a mile. 1/2 a mile with 20 to 30 lbs on your back is not easy ! lol

I am hoping to become a food blogger completely when the digi cam comes in , maybe will make me more accountable for what I eat.

Well that's about all for today. Have to give a speech *shudders* and take a biology test :(

(This was yesterday, but my school computer would not post it :()

I Have Begun To Vlog!

2009-09-07T13:35:00.001-07:00

Go to youtube to view it, and comment?

Still doing semi-good

2009-09-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

I'm not on top of my eating completely, but blame my mom. No not in a way that she is making me eat wrong, in a way that she decided to give me whatever virus she had that is making me all stuffy nosed and making me want to sleep nonstop.

I am going to class and that's about it, I barely have enough energy to get through that.

It's mostly sore throat, stuffy nosed-ness, This is day 2 so let's hope it goes away soon!

The end of the day

2009-09-01T21:09:00.001-07:00

My day was so-so eating wise. Definitely room for improvement, but way better than normal. My overall day ended up sucking. I'm really tired and too lazy to retype it so I'll just copy and paste what I said to Kaelin:

(10:25 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: ok so
he knew I was studyign for a test
and he was like WAH GO TO WAL MART WITH ME I WANT TO GO BUY STUFF
(10:25 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: so i was like offt w/e
and then we went to wal mart and he was like IF YOU DON'T DO EVERYTHING I SAY YOU CAN WALK HOME ASDFLKJASDFKLJ
(10:25 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: and I was getting really annoyed so we went to the restaurant to meet my brother
and he was screaming at me and being rude to everyone
(10:26 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: and telling me I was fuckings tupid for studying and caring about my grde
(10:26 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: and then continued to call me fat and telling me I would fail on my diet
(10:27 PM) (*)Caitlin is arou: and he left me there so I ended up coming home starvnig so I may fail on the diet because I'm hungry and just want to eat!

Sorry for language and typos. Will follow up tomorrow :(

Time to Congratulate Myself

2009-09-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

So we went to pizza hut, I wasn't going to tell my family they couldn't have it just because I WON'T eat like that. I ordered salad bar for me. I had three plates of salad which I'm not counting at all since it was all vegetables, and one slice of pizza.

That is great for me! I normally down a bunch of cheesesticks and a crapload of pizza. I was craving cheesesticks since everyone else was having them, so I grabbed moms, ate one bite, and told her to put the rest on the other side of her.

The exercise is down, still only got walking around campus, but I woke up with a horrible leg pain and it hasn't gone away, so not going to push myself, at least the walking is burning calories.

ugh

2009-09-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

First day and theywant to take me to pizza hut. Wish me luck on self control.

A September 1st Start.

2009-09-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

I ended up deciding to take a break from the lifestyle change until I was 18 and could have a bit more say in my life..

Long story lol, but mom pretty much said until I was 18 I would eat what SHE said.

So time for a Sept 1st start.

Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces toast.

Going to eat and head to class, but I have a question. I walk around campus all day and then when I get home I just dont' feel like exercising. Should I see how I do with just walking around campus, and if the weight comes off then only add exercise when I feel like it? Or should I make myself exercise anyway.

Goal 1: Get off diet soda. Even if I'm drinking 1 or 2 regular sodas a day I need to get off the effects of aspartame and artificial sweeteners put in soda.

is really feeling confident

2009-07-18T12:10:00.001-07:00

My water intake is way up, my calorie intake down, and while I'm not majorly working out I feel great!

Breakfast today: 3 eggs scrambled 2 pieces toast
Lunch: 2 chicken breast with 1 cup shells n cheese

I know not great

I also had some watermelon which was amazing!

I may try wrapping the chicken in spinach and see how it is, I've never had spinach but trying my hardest to add it in some.

I will blog again later to let you guys know how the rest of my day went!

Ehh..

2009-07-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went pretty well. Lunch stayed good, and I ended up with a hell of a workout because we went to see grandma at the hospital, and I was walking around it a lot helping get her ready to be transferred to the nursing home. Then, I saw Kevin R(Ok since I want to start blogging again I should clarify there are two kevins in my life, Kevin V is my best friend, and Kevin R is my boyfriend, I will try to clarify which one I mean)who wanted to walk around some so we could chat. It went really good, it really made me notice how much I've changed. I used to be the shyest person alive, and I am so outgoing lately, I'm guessing that's a good thing? Normally when I see guys I like I shy away and get scared, yesterday I was out there and it felt good. I have no idea when I quit being shy, but I love it, and hope that that's what it takes to change my life.

Anyway, between the working out and the not being used to the low calories I ended up with a fast food dinner since I was out all night. Would be great if I woulda been good and got something low calorie, but a 12 piece nugget and a large fry from chick-fil-a is not good. I didn't eat near all my fries though, my mom did lol.

I still felt pretty guilty, but figured all I can do is pick myself back up. Anyway, I will blog again before I sleep tonight, now to catch up on all the ones I missed with being gone all day yesterday.

Today has been good

2009-07-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

Only 7:40 am and I've had breakfast and a work out.

The work-out kinda sucked. I was meant to be doing the Couch to 5k, but I started feeling really light headed when I tried to jog, so I decided to just walk for half an hour. Well now that I'm done I feel really light headed and don't feel like doing much, so am just letting myself rest for about half an hour, then need to shower and get ready.

I've decided I want to be under 200 by the end of the year, that's only about 15-20 pounds to lose, so very doable. Wish me luck on that, if I'd just stick to the lifestyle it may be easier!

Oh and did I mention, I've only been home about 5 mins and it is now pouring rain, glad I didn't decide to walk any further!

I was tagged :o

2009-06-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you, Karen, for tagging me!

RULES
1.Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.

2. Tag eight other people

What is your current obsession? Hmm, obsession? Sims 3.

What are you wearing today? right now just a t-shirt and shorts.

What’s for dinner? Hoping to make vegetable soup.

What’s the last thing you bought? I don't even remember, I don't buy things often lol.

What are you listening to right now? Someone on Food Network.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? England

Which language do you want to learn? Hmm, I already speak spanish pretty fluently, so I would like to improve that, but aside from that maybe french?

What do you love most about where you currently live? Absolutely nothing!

What is your favorite colour? I like pinks and greens.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? My lime-green shorts.

Describe yourself in three words? Tired, crazy, unmotivated.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? Getting myself to Peoria.

What are you going to do after this? Work on some excel files.

Your favorite smell? Grandma's kitchen when she's cooking.

Do you collect anything? Sure

What makes you follow a blog? If it's on a subject I'm interested in, and the person isn't "bland".

What's your favorite kind of onion? I actually don't like onion.

What’s one thing you dream of doing? Being "healthy"

What is your biggest regret? I don't have any big ones yet, give it time.

What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Read, hang out online.

Do you have a tattoo? Yup, butterfly.

What are your favorite books? I won't even get into this, I really like books, and love to read. I will just say twilight + harry potter are on the top 5 series list, and Sarah Dessen is on my top author list =)

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both? Right handed/Ambidextrous. When I was younger I was completely Ambidextrous and my grandma yelled at me when I did things with my left hand, so now it's pretty useless lol.

Are you a big fan of memes? Occasionally.

TAG YOU'RE IT! WHEN YOU POST THIS MeMe UP LEAVE ME A COMMENT... JUST IN CASE I MISS IT!
1. Jo from 282.5
2. Crystal from A Little Less Crystal
3. Lyn from Escape From Obesity
4. Nat at Oh To Lose!
5. Tony from One Man's Trip to Half
6. Lola at Lolafierce
7. Hollie from Hollie's Weight Loss Blog
8. Lori at Finding Radiance-my weight loss journey

What is wrong with me!?

2009-06-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

Everytime I am the least bit active I feel like I am broken for weeks. The other day I played tennis and baseball on the wii, and now I can barely move or bend my knees! I'm trying, I really am, but it's discouraging when I'm in so much pain everytime I do anything that can be counted as a work out.

I have to admit..

2009-05-30T07:52:00.001-07:00

Not only have I slacked on reading blog posts, I've major lacked on my journey. I did make it to the migraine specialist, whom I am not at all sure if I like. He did put me on these two medicines though, and while no effect yet, we'll see. It really bothers me that I HATE tylenol, and with one of the ones he put me on tylenol is all I can take. Anything else can cause a rebound headache, and he specified Excedrin will definitely cause a rebound headache 99% of the time (Excedrin is what I normally take :().

So, we'll see how this goes. I am going to keep trying to get back on track, not even going to mention starting over, as while not doing the best, I'm still not doing 100% horrible, so it's not so much starting over, as just getting back on track :)!

Pampered Chef Giveaway! :o

2009-05-19T22:19:00.001-07:00

Click to read all about it! :)

Thinks she is Improving

2009-05-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

So although this morning was filled with drama to the point I didn't know what to do with things, I am already feeling slightly motivated. I did not get much sleep last night so I am going to take a nap soon, but when I wake up I'm going to plan meals, make a schedule for the week, and clean some.

Oh, and here are some of the things I'm trying to improve, since I never go into detail.
Weight (obviously): currently at 212

Migraines: Have a specialist appt May 28th, but I have migraines at least everyday, sometimes multiple times a day

Stress Levels: I am easily stressed, and I have a lot going on already with school, family, and friends, so it doesn't really take much to make things get unbearable.

Those are the 3 main things I'm looking to improve. Cross your fingers for me? :)

Hmmm

2009-05-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

I think everytime I start to believe in my self everyone around me thinks "Let's hurt her, let's cause drama"

May not be around for a few days, don't feel like talking about it :)

What the hell is wrong with me?

2009-05-13T21:45:00.001-07:00

I can not get motivated, I know I have to change my life in many many aspects, but for some reason the thought of it makes me feel physically ill.

I will change! Tomorrow I might actually make a post about me, now gonna watch Mallrats (Amazing movie), and try to get some sleep because tomorrow is a new day :)

Failed Day #1

2009-05-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Mmk, so I totally failed, and I do have an excuse but it probably doesn't give it much justice.

This morning, my blood sugar must have went low, because I was shaking non stop, so I tried eating something and it helped. But then I ate and ate and ate. Not sure why, I wasn't very hungry at all. But, all it did was make me want to succeed for the rest of the day, and start tomorrow off right. Tonight gonna sleep 8 hours only, and hope that it helps, as 15 hours sure as heck don't.

Wish me luck on it :) Might post tonight after The Biggest Loser, and if not will post sometime tomorrow afternoon :)!

So not motivated..

2009-05-12T05:07:00.001-07:00

I woke up when my alarm went off this morning, so got the getting up part down apparently (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact I slept 15 hours last night...)

Anyway, now I can't get motivated to get up at all. I read through blogs, and now I feel like laying back down. I haven't eaten breakfast, nor did my CouchTo5k like I wanted too...Maybe a little bit more sleep is in order? Might lay down for another 30 mins-1 hr. And then get up, eat, and such. We'll see.

Bob Harper needs to put his challenge up on facebook, I actually want to participate today :(

Anyway, yeah, off to either lay down or force myself to get motivated and go get some food.

yawn

2009-05-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly working on all the organization stuff I want to get done by tomorrow. Today after my last final test {OUT FOR 3 MONTHS NOW!} mom was still in wal mart, so I decided to walk towards Wal Mart to meet her. I think I walked maybe 3/4 of a mile to a mile, which felt good beings I haven't walked in forever!

My eating hasn't been good today, so kinda glad I decided today will be for organization, I was starving this morning and I chose Burger King. An original chicken sandwich with a large fry (Ate about 1/3 of the fries).

Well, gonna go finish my meal plans and such :)

Bleh

2009-05-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I got very motivated, and then I got sick and did not have time to focus on anything about me. So time to officially begin again. This is not a diet, this is not temporary, this is a full over lifestyle change, and I am doing it starting from RIGHT now.

I have started a notebook, just to help with this. I will type out what is written on the inside cover:

The Goal: To become a better person, inside and out.

How?: Diet, exercise, time management, stress management.

Official Start Date: Tuesday May 12, 2009

This notebook will be used for meal plans, lists, and whatever else is deemed necessary.

caitlinburke.blogspot.com

Also, I really need some motivation at times, so please if you have facebook, myspace, or twitter add me:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/caitlinluff
Myspace: www.myspace.com/caitlincorrupted
Facebook: Under caitlinburke@live.com

For twitter, I check my followers once-twice a week, or you can @message me, and I will follow you as soon as I read it :)

Apparently sleep is important.

2009-05-02T06:34:00.001-07:00

For the past week or so I've been telling myself I'll never lose weight, and the such. Lately I've been sleeping more, say the past 2-3 days, and I've been thinking about how much energy I have, just getting the recommended 8 hours and not napping. So, I was telling myself I could do anything I want, I have energy, I'm young, etc etc. So I planned my meals yesterday, so that mom could go grocery shopping and such. I got up this morning and had planned for:

1 orange
2 Toaster Waffles (barely sprinkled in syrup)
and 4 pcs of microwave bacon

well 1 orange, 1/2 a toaster waffle, and 3 pcs of bacon later I feel stuffed. Not literally lol. I realized I was starting to feel not so hungry, so I moved my plate to the side and told myself if in 20 minutes I haven't felt hungry, I can scrape it.

I feel proud of myself!

My ipods dead so not done a work-out yet, but am charging it and as soon as it's charged gonna do a C25k, and later hopefully gonna do some Jillian <3

Hope to post a lot more often, I feel bad posting on a weightloss blog, when I'm not doing anything to lose weight. Maybe now it will be different!

Oh Em Gee. Pain!

2009-04-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

So I did some of the Jillian workout like yesterday-ish, and I couldn't do it today I can barely stand up!

How do you guys work through exercise-induced leg pain?

Free? :o

2009-04-23T06:13:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't you like to win this? Well click here to find out how!!

Okay!

2009-04-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

So everything starts today, I know I'm completely ready for this, so wish me luck.

If I get hungry throughout the day I am eating apples as snacks, it's really the only produce we have right now.
Here is my meal plan for the day:

So let's see how this goes, I hit all the targets without going over, so hoping I can stick to it, that's a lot of food so I'm sure I can :)!

Oh and workout, 30 mins-1 hour of Jillians Fitness Ultimatum 2009 for Wii, and maybe a walk or something? I know I want to do crunches and jumping jacks through commercials everytime I watch tv, and I watch quite a bit of tv :).

Look What I just Realized :o

2009-04-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm making excuses. I am not staying in bed because Matt's here and I don't want to cook with him here, I am staying in bed because I like sleep!

No more. No moer. No moer.

expect updates starting tomorrow, hopefully good updates :D.

Randomosity

2009-04-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

I want to be tagged, so somebody tag me please? (:

Just thought I'd put out there lol

4 Whole Days without Me?

2009-04-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

You know you missed me (:

Anyway, things still aren't going my way. My dads van broke down, therefore forcing my ex back up here, and I just can't do it when he's here. I can't go walking because I like to walk early, he sleeps on the couch right beside the door, therefore if I wake him up he will try to follow me. Not something I want.

If I get up early to eat breakfast, and I wake him up, he always comes and tries to help me, tries to kiss me, and gets pissed when I back away.

So maybe I am just going to have to try my hardest to work with what I have? I dunno.

About to Sleep (:

2009-04-07T13:06:00.001-07:00

Since I'm starting to feel better going to start getting back on track, if I ever was on track to begin with :|

Wish me luck on all of this. Again lol.

Official Day 1 has Started! :)

2009-04-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

I've eaten breakfast, and it was yummy. Had 2 eggs, scrambled, with 4 slices of Microwavable Bacon, and 2 pieces of toast lightly buttered. Not exactly what I wanted for breakfast on my first day, but my brother is a bit bitchy with me, so I wanted something quick. I figure for lunch I'll have a home-made sub, and for dinner maybe some baked chicken. Not sure yet. I know I want to do a C25K workout today, we'll see how it goes :)

Getting so Effin Tired of This

2009-04-03T14:45:00.001-07:00

Members must be at least eighteen years old. Calorie and nutritional information provided in this site is based partly on age, and is available at this time only for adult members.

Please correct the following errors:

* You must be at least 18 years old to use this website.

Seriously, I will be 18 in 4 frieking months. 4 months. Ugh!

A question

2009-04-02T21:16:00.001-07:00

I want to have everything ready to 100% put the lifestyle change ready by Sunday.

Now a Question:

What website do you use for help with meal plans and such? Advice/Whatever.

Anything that has helped you along the way of weightloss?

The Plan

2009-04-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Okay first off, w00t I have 3 followers! Yay

Anyyway:

I am going to work on getting everything ready for the lifestyle change. I realized it's not something I can say OK LET'S DO THIS to and it happen by itself. My sleep schedule is going to be weird, but I'll be sleeping 8 hours, so who cares?

I will be sleeping like 4pm-midnight, because late night is when I function the best, and it will mean getting more done in the morning, without losing too much sleep.

I am looking at forums, and more blogs, to join/follow, so if you have any ideas, let me know?

Gonna work on organizing some stuff before I go to sleep :)

Everything Starts Now!

2009-04-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

Sick of saying "I need to lose weight *grabs more food*" I have to start everything. My knee is killing me, but still hoping to do a Couch to 5k workout later on. Need to work on a good sleeping schedule for me, not anybody else.

Bleh, wish me good luck on the beginning of a whole new lifestyle?

30 Things to do in April

2009-03-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

1. Organize Dresser
2. Read 1 new book
3. RS at least 1 UB
4. Register for Fall Semester { Appointment April 2nd}
5. Apply for at least 5 jobs
6. Use H20cean on both piercings at least once a week [0/4]
7. Drink water everyday for a week [0/7]
8: Update LJ 7 times [0/7]
9. Update Blogger 6 times [0/6]
10. Play 1 new game from bigfishgames
11. Make a new "movies to watch" list
12. Go at least 2 days with No pop [0/2]
13. Sleep at least 8 hours, 4 times [0/4]
14. Create a new iTunes playlist
15. Bake and send Courtney's Snickerdoodles
16. Write a letter to Dennis Rader
17. Go pick out new glasses
18. Clear out Junk Drawer
19. Try at least 2 new Recipes
20. Restock at least 300k in profit (will keep track in spreadsheet)
21. Clean out Algebra folder
22. Gift someone on Charter a random item worth 200k+
23. (With Dina) Give Zy a meowclops
24. Gamble with a Nerkmid
25. Grab something semi-decent from money tree
26. Gamble with a Treasure Map
27. Go one day without cursing [0/1]
28. Morph Quatranoid (Make board on Help Chat, haha)
29. Make at least 5 new Lists in Journal
30. Organize Planner

Okay, so...

2009-03-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

I skipped class today due to weather, it's raining pretty bad, so decided I didn't have to be in Algebra, and I would rather not make mom drive in rain (I don't have Driver's License yet, will explain in another post).

Today is going to be spent on getting everything ready for my lifestyle change. Cleaning up the desk so I can start actually doing my homework. Getting a rough draft meal plan set up for the rest of this week. anything. Anything of the such. Also have to finish my "31 Things to do in April" list, which I will post here when it's finished :).

So wish me luck on getting everything ready :)

3/30/09

2009-03-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today, while not bad, did not go as I would have liked. The eating was pretty good, but I had no water aside from tap water (yuck) so have had more diet coke then wanted. I did have some water this morning though, it was actually good. Now have loads of water getting cold, so we'll see if I can drink it more.

8:30am: Ritz peanut butter crackers (about 200 calories)

9:30am: McDonalds side salad, no dressing; Apple Dippers, no caramel

1:00pm: 2 salmon patties

Yeah that's it so far, haven't worked out much at all. Gonna go to sleep soon, working on a new sleep schedule since if I sleep at night I only get about 4 hours. We'll see how it goes (:

Have a good day everyone!

Day 1 is Approaching

2009-03-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

Okay technically Day 1 is here, but I haven't slept yet. Have to be up in 5 hours, but beings I am supposed to get a call soon, guess I won't get much sleep. Thinking of sleeping until the phone rings, at least I know I will get a little bti of sleep.

I ate a poptart because I was starving, but I count that towards yesterday's calories. It was more habit then "Omg I'm starving" but you know what I mean. *will break that habit*

Well, gonna lay down until phone rings *waits patiently*

Nite all (:

Journey to a Better Me

2009-03-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

It is time for me to start worrying less about other people, and more about my life and health. The 4 hours of sleep a night, just so I can talk to friends until late, has to stop. The going out to eat at fattening places just to make friends happy, has to stop.

I always make excuses, such as how good food with more calories is, and how I can catch up on sleep on weekends. I'm done with it. So right now, well actually tomorrow as today is already off horrible, and I'm about to go to the hospital, I will lose weight, get more sleep, and worry more about my grades.

We'll see how this goes, so until tomorrow,

-Caitlin :)

Journey to a Better Me

Giveaway!

New Start, New Blog

Sticks and Stones..

Back to the planning process

Random. 12/9/09

The past to the present?

Mental Breakdown

Honest Scrap

Hola!

MIA

All nighters...ew

Sick

All Ready For Bed

Random Question

Challenge #1 (6)

Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

Challenge

Psychology

Help me with my Comp paper?

"I Will Never Know Why"

18 followers?

Library

List of Books to Read

The Plan

Why do I always disappear?

The Past

Small Organization Post

September 20th

Okay!

*poke*

A Sorta Random Update

I Have Begun To Vlog!

Still doing semi-good

The end of the day

Time to Congratulate Myself

ugh

A September 1st Start.

*is really feeling confident*

Ehh..

Today has been good

I was tagged :o

What is wrong with me!?

I have to admit..

Pampered Chef Giveaway! :o

Thinks she is Improving

Hmmm

What the hell is wrong with me?

Failed Day #1

So not motivated..

*yawn*

Bleh

Apparently sleep is important.

Oh Em Gee. Pain!

Free? :o

Okay!

Look What I just Realized :o

Randomosity

4 Whole Days without Me?

About to Sleep (:

Official Day 1 has Started! :)

Getting so Effin Tired of This

A question

The Plan

Everything Starts Now!

30 Things to do in April

Okay, so...

3/30/09

Day 1 is Approaching

Journey to a Better Me

poke

is really feeling confident

yawn