How long does it take you before you tell somebody a comment hurts you? That it's not just something they can joke about. Every time you comment about my weight, even in a joking manner, it drives me towards food.
I made it clear in my last blog that I was not even going to attempt until New Years, and I told my mom (joking) that I needed high cal food and caffeine, and I got jumped. "You're ruining your body every time you do that, I don't care anymore I don't want to hear about your weight, do what you want, if you end up 500 pounds it's your fault."
Those words cut deeper than almost anything anybody has ever said. He read the New Years blog, he knows I am having major caffeine withdrawals, and the fact that since I moved here he has mentioned how I can lose weight (before I told him I wanted to), it bugs me. If I don't lose weight am I going to lose him? I want to do it for me, not him. Yes, our life, our marriage, our kids, are all things that make me want to lose weight, but overall it's for me. I made it clear I want to start on New Years, he needs to stay off my back until then.
He has habits that hurt me, a lot, so why can he try to dictate my food? My life? I can't dictate his. As much as he means to me sometimes it feels like if I don't let him be a little controlling I will lose him, so I normally don't speak up. It's easier not too. Maybe that should be a goal for the new year? To make sure we're both happy, not just one, which is how it normally goes. Either I'm doing everything to make him happy, or he's doing everything to make me happy. Shouldn't we be working together to make each other happy?
Eh, this probably sounds whiny, just wanted to..vent.
So, I am tired of just..living. I want to do something, be something, be someone. I feel like it will never happen, and my past is the reason I live how I do today, and I hate it.
My past has made me a horrible daughter, a horrible wife, and I'm afraid it will make me a horrible mother. So, it's time for a lifetime change. Beings I am going home in 3 days for Christmas, and being home is hard to have any kind of order in my life, I am going to use it as planning. I get home the 27th, in which case I will show William what I have came up with, talk everything over with him, and then on January 1st my new life starts. A better wife, a better person in general.
Also, when I get back, I want to go and get our marriage official. We don't want an actual wedding, not yet, we want a courthouse wedding, with a big wedding to renew our vows later on in life. I am not sure he is ready to do this, I know I am, and he says he is, but I also know he sometimes says things just to make me happy. I am extremely ready for this step, but as to whether he is or not? I will have to find out. I would love to start off the new year as a married woman, in charge of her life once and for all.
I love the planning part, but when it comes to actually doing it not so much. I need to learn to like to clean, cook, hmm maybe a chore list? What do you think? It's me, him, and Denise living here, so maybe we do our room, and then we take turns with cooking, dishes, bathroom, living room, blah blah blah..?
I need to clean now, but am honestly feeling like shit. I have a migraine from hell, and cleaning would be hellacious right now. Shhh, not telling William about the migraine, he is under the impression I need to go to a doctor for them, as they are becoming more frequent again. I think once I get my life in order they will slowly go away.
I haven't made a goals list yet, that will be when I get home, but one major goal on my list is to cut down on cursing. I want to quit saying f*** all together, and highly cut down on the rest. We are both discussing children, and I refuse to use that language around my children, so best to cut down now.
I need to find some vegetables I really like, besides green beans, so I can eat fruits and vegetables everyday. Now I am off to look at some coupons to print out, take a bath, then get some sleep.
So, I actually let William read through this blog. Nobody whom I know in real life has ever had the link to this, except when I have given people direct links to a post. It made me feel really stupid, that he was reading everything I had ever really thought, because here is one place I can actually be honest. But, this is who I am, he can either take it or leave it.
We have been discussing a lot about how I portray the negative to people, instead of stating the positive too. I do that a lot, don't I? But, I will never ever agree that he is right ;).
Anywho, on a different note. I may be going home on Monday for Christmas. I hate feeling torn, I want nothing more than to spend Christmas with William, but mom is saying he can't come home with me. So it's choose between my grandma and William, which may just be the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I can barely stand to spend hours away from him, let alone weeks, and Christmas!? Bullshit in my eyes. My mom doesn't like him because he "stole" me, but that's not how I look at it at all. He rescued me is the only way to legitimately put it.
On the note of what this blog was originally about, I should be losing weight, but definitely not the right way. I need to start willingly exercise, need to start eating healthy, need to start doing so much more. I eat maybe once a day, and walk when we have to go somewhere. I need to walk up to cubs and get groceries, but we all know how that went last time I tried. I hate being afraid of the town I'm in, I hate being afraid of the bus, I know I need to get over it, need to grow up, but it's not exactly easy.
Well, I am going to go either play Sims or read, at least I'm blogging all the time, as promised. Also reading other peoples, but not commenting as often.
So, a few months ago I posted a blog about how I hold grudges, normally for no reasons. Well, I also found out I am very hypocritical, and that is something I plan on working on very much. My fiance means the absolute world to me, I don't remember ever being this happy, and I have never been with someone who has treated me this good, but I am still very jealous. We are around each other 24/7 (yes a bit unhealthy), but I still can't trust him? He gives me absolutely no reason not to trust him, he never tries to hide anything, yet past relationships, including his, make it hard for me.
Tonight, I went through his files on his computer, the whole time I was doing it I expected to find something. I have been with him everyday for the past 2 months, when would he even have time for an "affair"? I told him what I did, and we discussed it, but it bothers me that I can't just let it go. I know he loves me, I love him, but it doesn't change anything in my mind.
I have got to quit letting the past "control" me, and my feelings today. I want him to trust me, but I can't give him the trust he deserves. He is my life, my world, yet I am hypocritical. If he went through my files, I would be livid. So my goal right now is to force myself to move on. I love him, so much, so let's hope I can show him how I feel, and quit letting Matt, Kevin, Jose, and Julio control my feelings. (Explaining those names will come in another blog.)
Hopefully I learn to move on fast, because I refuse to lose him over my insecurities that didn't even derive from him.
Yes, I skipped a few days, and not because I've been busy, simply because I've had nothing to blog about! Well last night, something came up for me to blog about. As you all know, from a recent post, I recently moved in with my fiance. Well I didn't mention that this move brought me from a town with a population of less than a 1,000 to a city with a population of over 100,000. As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm still a bit terrified of the town.
So last night, I decided to be the brave little girl I am, and tell William (the fiance obviously) that I would walk down to Cub Foods without him. It's about 1/2 mile down the road, and I needed the exercise, so I didn't have a problem with it (We don't have a car yet, so it's all either taxi, bus, or walking, and we are tight for money so taxi is out of the question). I promised to talk to my mom the whole way there, and that she would get ahold of him online if something happened, as my phone is the only one on right now.
So, I am about halfway there, it's cold, a wonderful 27 degree weather, with snow coming down, but I'm still doing okay. All of a sudden my phone beeps at me. I look down and see that it's dying. I all of a sudden completely go into panic mode. I was on the verge of tears, and my mom was freaking out because she didn't know what to do, just knew I was terrified.
So my best friend gets online to get ahold of William, and instead of saying "She's at Cubs now, she's okay, but she wants you to come get her so she doesn't have to walk back alone" he decides to approach it the other way. "She's scared, crying, get your ass down there." type thing. So William throws on a jacket and runs the half mile. He made it there in less than 15 mins, which I may add is not exactly healthy in that cold of weather.
I have a feeling he will make fun of my breakdown for quite some time, but hey, he must love me to do that for me :)!
I know, this story is kinda boring, and lovey-dovey, but it's the only eventful thing that's happened lately.